Bedbugs in New York

New York is infested with bedbugs. It sometimes seems that virtually everyone has them, even many of those who dwell in luxury high rises on the Upper East Side, and once you do, they are very difficult to exterminate.

What are bedbugs? As one commentator noted, they're these tiny nocturnal mites that can't wait to come out of the woodwork at night to suck you dry while you sleep. They leave unsightly welts all over your body which result in severe itching, and often leave your bedsheets caked with dried blood. Apparently, the greater your infestation, the more sins you have committed for which God is exacting punishment (there is no proof for this, of course, just wanted to see if you're still reading). However, it is interesting to note that this rumor about the correlation between budbugs and sins got started when former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, you know, the one who used public monies to pay for high priced call girls, suffered through a bedbug infestation in his top of the line Upper East Side mansion. If true, it really is just a matter of time before all the rest of us get them, too. By the way, I have good news for those of you who do not live in New York. This is strictly a New York phenomenon. After all, we are known as Sin City.

So, indulge me with the following syllogism:

All New Yorkers are sinners.
All sinners eventually get bedbugs.

Therefore:

All New Yorkers eventually get bedbugs.

It's a sure thing, but don't panic. And, if possible, utilize common sense. Some experts urge us to vacuum all floors and baseboards with special care and then to make sure to dispose of all used vacuum bags. Somehow, this strikes me as woefully inadequate. No, it turns out you can never get rid of bedbugs entirely (especially if you're extremely sinful), but the good news is that with the right training, their bedbug circus far exceeds anything fleas are capable of, and they can even be taught, through a highly evolved form of cooperative grouping, to retrieve the newspaper in the morning. Like all of New York, you just have to learn to be resourceful and to figure out how to take an admittedly challenging situation and to turn it to your advantage.