Monday, August 3, 2009

Jon Stewart is Not Tall!

I ran into Jon Stewart and his family at the Tribeca Whole Foods the other day. Yup, there was the great man with his wife and young family quietly and slowly making their way through the broad aisles of one of Manhattan’s most fashionable and uncrowded grocery stores. They seemed to be having a wonderful time, browsing, snacking, and joking together. I didn’t get close enough to hear how funny the jokes were, but there was definitely a lot of laughing.

The thing that surprised me, though, is that Jon Stewart is not tall. Not at all! At one point, as he surveyed the large supply of organic and cage-free eggs, I tried to get close enough to him to gauge his height against mine. I almost asked him if he’s partial to the cage-free kind but just didn’t have the nerve, but as I sidled toward him I saw that the top of his head reached no higher than the rack where the unsalted butter was lined up, just as mine did. I was so intrigued by this that I unobtrusively followed him over to the breakfast cereals and noticed that as he walked down the aisle, his well coiffed hair was at the same level as the top of the Rice Krispies boxes, whereas my unruly mop was level with the slightly taller packages of Honey Nut Cheerios, making me at least a half inch taller than Jon Stewart!

You see a lot of celebrities in New York City and it’s always sort of fun to recall these sightings, but this one was special. Not only was I able to hobnob with Jon Stewart, I made the delicious discovery that I am taller than a famous person who has always seemed quite tall to me. Thanks to this encounter I now seem taller to myself. Which makes me think that I should be seeking out famous people all over the city who seem marginally thin, smart or funny to me. By systematically comparing myself to them, I may discover that I am thinner, smarter and funnier than they are, thus becoming thinner, smarter, and funnier to myself than ever before. What a great New York way to build my self-esteem!

: The very next day I’m walking down Hudson Street on a Sunday and the street is almost deserted except…for Jon Stewart and his family, quite far from the Whole Foods and taking an inordinate amount of time to tuck their toddler daughter into the baby carriage they’re pushing. As I pass by, I go into my Groucho Marx walk with the stooped-over strut to amuse them, and although they take no notice of me, I am thunderstruck by what I discover. Even as Groucho, I’m taller than Jon Stewart!


  1. Hmmm... That's two posts in a row about height. I guess if I were 5' 10" I'd blog about my height, too. Anyway, you ought to do the Groucho walk past every celebrity you see, and report here what happens.

  2. There's controversy over whether Stewart is 5'6" or 5'7", according to

  3. Yes, I think my modest height may become part of my blog identity, you know, like Jack Benny's stinginess.

    As for the Groucho walk, it might surprise you to know that I have already tried it out on Andie McDowell, Bill Moyers, and Joel Grey, none of whom seemed to notice, though Joel Grey did mumble something about preferring Zeppo, who, by the way, was by far the tallest Marx Brother. And do you have any idea how short Joel Grey is in real life? Jon Stewart is much, much taller.

  4. Really, that's what says? Actually, I didn't realize he was quite that short.

    Oh, and can we take just a moment to ponder the state of a culture that devotes at least one entire website to celebrity heights?

  5. "As for the Groucho walk, it might surprise you to know that I have already tried it out on Andie McDowell, Bill Moyers, and Joel Grey"

    Nope, doesn't surprise me at all.

  6. Before I speak, I have something important to say. If you've heard this story before, don't stop me because I'd like to hear it again. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Well, Art is Art, isn't it? East is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, you tell me what YOU know. A five year old child could understand this. Someone fetch a 5 year old!

  7. Groucho as president of Freedonia presides over the Chamber of Deputies:

    Finance Minister: "Gentlemen, gentlemen, this is a crisis. We must take up the tax!"

    Groucho: "How about taking up the carpet!"

    Finance Minister: "I still insist we must take up the tax!"

    Groucho: "He's right, you have to take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet."

  8. I came across this blog searching for Jon Stewart and all I can say is what the fuck is wrong with you? The way you write your blog post it sounds like you actually sound proud of your height, like you accomplished it? It's weird as shit. Seek mental help immediately, please.. jesus.

  9. Anonymous is an idiot. Ignore Anonymous. I love the idea of you groucho walking in the vicinity of various ceeeelebs. Enjoy NYC.

  10. This disturbs me on more levels than I thought even existed. Your stalking of the Stewart family brings the word "creep" to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL you sick pervert.

  11. Too much time on your hands, perhaps? Don't you folks know that a man's height is measured from the shoulders up? In that department, Jon is the tallest one here!


  12. Stewart makes repeated comments about his height. I don't care, but if he ever runs for public office--he has my vote.